Weeping + Rejoicing: Navigating Grief, Guilt and Gratitude During the Holidays
Content warning: This article contains stories of death and suicide that may be emotionally challenging for some readers.
GRIEF
Grief can make you feel emotionally secluded, like you’re the only one who feels the heaviness of mourning the missing place at the table. But there are others navigating the same challenges you are. Grief is some of the hardest work you will ever do, and many grief experts agree that working through grief in community helps to normalize the experience and reminds you that you’re not alone on this journey.
“There is grief support available during the holiday season, and it’s okay to ask for help or reach out to a group to connect with others who ‘get it,’” says Allison Gary, program director at Heartlight Center, a nonprofit in Denver dedicated to grief support.
Erica Kitzman, co-founder of Postvention Alliance — an organization that advocates for support and education for individuals who have been affected by suicidal thinking and those who have suffered a loss to suicide — lists some resources for grievers: “Suicide loss survivors often find comfort in spending time with other loss survivors in groups such as Heartbeat, Friends for Survival, GRASP and GriefShare. Community groups and faith communities provide value by hosting ‘Blue Holidays’ events to provide a space for people who are grieving during the holidays … What’s Your Grief has a large selection of lovely materials to help grieving people.”
“Creating a quiet, mindful, reflective space for yourself is really important. The holidays can get so busy that we often push our emotions down, but that can cause them to build up and catch up to us at a later time in a bigger way. If you allow yourself time to check in with your feelings, it allows you to meet yourself where you are and to truly take care of yourself in each moment and let your grief flow through you instead of it being trapped inside,” says Kayla Webber, owner of Revolution Yoga and specialist in Grief Recovery Method, an evidence-based recovery program to heal from the heartbreak of grief.
Webber and Gary agree that a ritual may be helpful for navigating your emotions and remembering your loved ones — such as journaling, walking, lighting a candle or saying a prayer.
GUILT
“Guilt is a remarkably common experience during grief that often people don’t talk about,” Gary states. “It can sometimes feel like all we are allowed to do when we are grieving is to feel intensely sad. However, it is important to acknowledge the many emotional experiences on the human spectrum that come up for us … If you are feeling a sense of guilt, maybe try meeting it with curiosity. Is there something specific that triggered the feeling of guilt? Reflect on the events leading to it. Maybe talk to a safe person or use writing or artistic practices to help express what is coming up for you.”
“Guilt is a very real and valid emotion to feel as we move through our life after loss. The ‘shoulds’ step into our frame, and our thoughts turn to what once was instead of the present moments,” explains Angela Lauridsen, executive director for Grief Support Network — an organization based in Boulder promoting mindful grieving to embrace growth and connection. “Perhaps a helpful reminder is that to feel grief is to feel love. Happiness is not something that we often associate with our grief journey, but with presence and sourcing the love in front of us here and now, we can find comfort and give ourselves grace.”
Jodi Molina, LSW, bereavement counselor and social worker, helps people dealing with extreme health challenges and end-of-life situations at HopeWest, an organization serving Western Colorado in Mesa, Delta, Montrose, Ouray and Rio Blanco counties. She adds, “Giving yourself permission to experience happiness and joy is vital, yet difficult. It is normal and okay to feel guilty, but practicing self-care, coping and gratitude can immensely lessen these feeling.”
GRATITUDE
“People can often hold anger and joy, heaviness and levity/relief, grief and gratitude, at the same time … being able to hold grief and gratitude at the same time is a sign of growth. If you feel guilty about experiencing joy amidst grief, just think of what your loved one would want for you,” shares Webber. “We need the dark times to remind us what the light really feels like. We need the depth of sadness sometimes to experience the height of joy.”
Lauridsen recommends recalling sweet memories with your loved ones. She says, “I believe that peace is available inside the memories shared with the one you have lost.” The hope lies in knowing that where there is deep hurt, there is also strong love and treasured memories. The hurt is intended to be felt — not pushed away — and the same is true when joy springs up.
Grief and gratitude may look different dayto-day. Molina emphasizes, “Losing someone can feel like losing part of yourself … [you can be] thankful for the person you lost and the impact that they had on your life. Remember, no one should have to grieve alone. Reach out for help if you find yourself struggling with the loss.”
There is no destination on the grief journey; along the way there is growth, new hurt and fresh beauty. Weeping and rejoicing emerge as gifts — reminders of the true privilege it is to love deeply and sincerely.
GRIEF + LOSS RESOURCES
Colorado Grief Care
coloradogriefcare.org/mesa-county
Local Mesa County grief support groups and resources.
Friends of Survival
Services to help after a suicide death.
GriefShare
Support groups to help you move through the grief process.
Grief Support Network
Advocating for mindful grieving and providing opportunities for growth and connection.
Heartbeat
heartbeatsurvivorsaftersuicide.org
Peer support group offering empathy and encouragement following the suicide of a loved one.
Heartlight Center
Grief support, education and virtual and in-person support groups in Aurora and Grand Junction.
HopeWest — Handling the Holidays
A free information session that will provide ideas for self-care, new traditions and memorializing your loved one. Tuesday, Dec. 5, 5:30-7 p.m. Wednesday, Dec. 20, 10:30 a.m.-noon Ferris Hospice Care Center 3090 N. 12th St. / 102
Grand Junction Postvention Alliance
Directing grievers to postvention support and research.
What’s Your Grief
Grief education and resources for grieving people and those supporting a griever.
Originally published in the Winter 2023-24 issue of Spoke+Blossom.